Catholic Family Life - Events Highlights

Tips for Parents: Ways to help Youth with their Mental Health

by Theresa Bung, Therapist Emeritus @ Catholic Family Life

To help develop good mental health, parents and family members can support their youth in the following ways:

Helping youths to recognise their emotions

Sometimes in my counselling session I have youth confiding in me:

" No one notices my fear

No one notices my tears

No one notices my wounds

But they noticed my mistakes and shame"

As such, youths turn to automatic responses of "I AM OK" to conceal their feelings when others check in on them. It is painful for youths to live a life of "fake it till you make it" as pretending to be fine often causes them to feel anxious and depressed.

One of the ways we can help youths is to encourage them to use responses like "I'm coping", "I'm surviving", "I'm still learning" or "I am work-in-progress". These methods of responding can help youths to feel more genuine and liberated, allowing them to build more authentic relationships with people."

Letting go of the need to be perfect

Some youths feel that they need to be perfect to be worthy. They feel less valued by their parents or friends in school if they make mistakes can lead to feelings of shame, sadness and even anger.

We can ask them thought-provoking questions to encourage them to think more positively over mistakes. A question I often use in my practice is: "Why do you think we have an eraser or delete key in our devices?" And I should share that it is because everyone makes mistakes, and we can learn from our mistakes and rewrite them using the right words.

I have also shared with youths who would beat themselves up over their failure to achieve good grades or excel in sports to see mistakes as opportunities for growth. Bravery is in rising every time we fall. Appreciate your courage of rising to walk again.

Reducing usage of digital devices

The use of smartphones through its endless variety of apps and social communication platforms can be a rewarding and enriching activity. However, maladaptive use of such devices can also lead to addiction, fears of missing out (FOMO) or nomophobia (fear of being without a phone).

To increase their repertoire of rewarding activities, we can advise youth to substitute the use of smartphones, periodically or randomly with other activities like reading books or taking photos with a camera. When they switch between different activities, they may discover more about themselves and their preferences and hobbies. Advise and encourage youths to grab a book instead of the smartphone when they feel bored. We can also arrange to speak in person instead of using virtual platforms if they need to talk.

Provide safe spaces for youths to develop their self-worth

Youths have difficulties saying no to friends or people they like. They desire approval and acceptance of what they do or say, sometimes even at the expense of their own self-interest, resulting in feelings of anxiety and stress.

It can be helpful if parents provide their youths with a safe space to talk. To achieve this effectively, it is important that parents listen silently without judgement and withhold the need to problem-solve during the conversation. Asking open-ended questions will also convey parents' interest, helping youths to recognise their significance to them. Parents can also highlight their strengths and empathise with them on their limitations to build their self-worth. Asking youths about their motivations and allowing them to choose to do what they love can also boost self-esteem and overall happiness.

Teaching youths to have a voice on issues that are troubling them allows them to honour themselves and their needs. Acknowledge that it takes courage to speak up on such issues and encourage youths to have a growth mindset and prioritise their learning over their desires for approval and recognition. Life is like a tree where youths can learn to focus on the process instead of the outcomes. Just as the parable of the mustard seed (Mark 4: 30 - 32), a beautiful bush can grow from something small, and youths can take heart in that!

In conclusion, I want to end with these thoughts: In my line of work, I have seen youths celebrating their academic and sports success through different awards. It is a proud moment for themselves and for their families. I see them growing in confidence, competence, and congruence. However, there are no awards for those youths who:

Get up to go to school even when they are being bullied or failing in school.
Struggle with schoolwork as they need to look after their numerous siblings while their parents are at work.
Go to school with little or no pocket money and go hungry on certain days.
Experience sleepless nights hearing parents screaming and fighting, suffer bruises, fear more every day and yet bravely go to school with a smile.
Have ill health or are physically challenged yet pluck up the courage to go to school with all the stares and go through the flow of the school system.