Dear Mum and Dad,

Growing up, open and personal conversations with you were few and far between, much less discussions over sensitive topics such as sex. I understand that this likely stems from your traditional Asian upbringing, where parents and children are meant to maintain a sense of respectful distance from one another. I also do not think that you believed I wanted to have such conversations with you and, to be completely honest, I probably didn’t. It is hard for me to imagine myself as a young teenage girl being all too happy over the prospect of having a conversation about the birds and the bees with mum and dad.

That being said, as I grew older, I began to realise how much I truly needed, and wanted, to have open conversations about my body and sex with you, and how important such discussions would have been in shaping my life trajectory. So, here are some things I wished you taught me.

I am Worthy Just as I Am

As a plus-sized Chinese girl, with frizzy hair and relatively dark skin, I struggled to fit into society’s definition of beauty. Growing up, I allowed the world to dictate my sense of self-worth, and this led to some negative consequences. I was often the target of cruel remarks and ridicule in school, and this took a significant toll on my confidence and self-esteem. However, what hurt the most was that, mum, you seemed to perpetuate these sentiments by constantly asking me to lose weight or dress differently in order to appear more presentable.

Upon hindsight, I understand that you were not trying to hurt me. Rather, you, like any good parent, were simply trying to protect me from the harsh realities of a judgemental world. Nevertheless, I wish that both you and dad, would have emphasised that I am worthy just as I am, despite all my flaws and imperfections, instead of leaving me to figure that out on my own. Because, by the time I came to this realisation, I had already developed bad habits and poor body image from the many years I spent succumbing to societal pressures. I would have appreciated an open and honest conversation with the both of you about body image, and to have heard you tell me that I am beautiful and worthy of love.   

My Body, My Rules

Growing up, your approach to parenting was rooted in a traditional belief in obedience and respect for authority and my elders. While I fully understand why you raised me this way, it left me lacking a certain sense of autonomy, which I then internalised into my everyday interactions. Looking back, I really wished you had taught me about consent and emphasised the importance of respecting my boundaries and those of others.

Had the both of you taught me about consent, I would have understood that I have the right to say no to anything which makes me feel uncomfortable or which violates my boundaries, whether in a social or professional setting. This knowledge would have empowered me to make more informed decisions about my body and relationships. I would also have been better equipped to navigate sexual encounters and other situations where my personal boundaries may be tested. While I appreciate the values you have instilled in me, I do believe that a lesson about consent would have been very beneficial in my later years.   

My Body is Me

“Make sure you behave properly” was a phrase that the both of you used often at home. While I acknowledge the importance of acting respectfully and politely towards others, this emphasis on outward appearances came at the cost of neglecting my inner self. For me, this phrase led to a belief that my body was only valuable for its outward appearance and that, as long as I acted appropriately in public, my private actions didn’t matter.

This mindset resulted in me developing unhealthy habits that I thought I could keep hidden from others but, eventually, they began to seep into other areas of my life. For instance, I would always try to look responsible and well put together in front of others, with many friends and uncles and aunties commenting that I was “mature for my age”. However, this was not a true reflection of who I was on the inside.

Behind closed doors, I would often slack off and procrastinate, neglecting my many responsibilities. I didn’t give this much thought as I was under the impression that, so long as I looked presentable in public, it wouldn’t really matter. Although, cracks in my façade quickly began to show, and my true nature slowly began to reveal itself. I started unintentionally demonstrating my lazy habits and irresponsible behaviour in public (much to my horror) and my grades began to plumet (and this is not something that I could easily keep under wraps).

Looking back, I wish you had taught me that my body communicates just as much as words do, and that taking care of myself, both physically and mentally, is just as important as maintaining a presentable public image. I believe such a lesson would have taught me the importance of my decisions and how they would ultimately shape me as a person.

I wished that you would have had open and honest conversations with me, even if it might be uncomfortable or difficult for the both of us. Whether it be about consent, autonomy, or sexuality, I wish that you would have taken the time to educate me about these crucial matters, even if having such discussions might seem difficult or awkward at the time.

All things considered, I really don’t blame you for not teaching me these things. I truly believe that you did the best you could to raise me with the knowledge and experience you had at the time. I love you very much and I always will. Although, I also do recognise that there were some things (about my body, my  identity, and my sexuality) that I wished I could have learnt from you instead of figuring them out on my own.

Moving forward, I hope to be the kind of parent who can have such conversations with my children. I know that it won’t be easy, but I believe that with patience, empathy, and understanding, I can learn from the experiences I’ve had with you and have meaningful discussions about important issues.

Yvette,

22 Years Old

To learn more about how to equip yourself with the right disposition and tools to address conversations about sexuality and body image with your child, keep an eye out for the next run of our workshop “My Child is Made for More”. You may find other upcoming programmes below.