One of the greatest challenges that I face in working with couples in troubled marriages is the timing when they decide to seek professional help. Because of the prevalent myth that one only goes to therapy as a last-ditch attempt, very often it is too late as the tumour in the marriage has grown so large that it can no longer be treated effectively. In the article Timing is everything when it comes to marriage counselling, Dr. John Gottman was quoted to say that couples in distress waited an average of six years before seeking professional help. Imagine, the hurt and resentment that has been built up over an extended period of time and how that takes a huge toll on the emotional wellbeing of the couples.
 

What are the detrimental effects in ignoring the problems in the marriage?

First, it builds resentment which gradually leads to the hardening of heart, and lack of communication and intimacy between the couple. Instead of being a strong ally in the journey of marriage and parenthood, your partner ended up being your “enemy” – the one who creates emotional distress and pain in your life. There is nothing more painful than being in a marriage where one feels invisible and ineffectual.
 

While it’s highly unpleasant when couples are in conflict at least they are still communicating with each other and are fighting for the marriage. It is a massive red flag when one partner decides that it’s not worth his/her effort to communicate and he/she resigns to the situation as this leads to emotional disengagement and loneliness.
 

Secondly, problems that are ignored will not be addressed, much less finds a resolution. Burying your head in the sand prolongs the issue, making it more entrenched. While on the surface things might be peaceful, unaddressed problems will resurface and erupt whenever you are under stress and are more easily triggered. It catches you off guard and wears you down as you feel stuck in a painful place perpetually.
 

Negative sentiment override happens when the atmosphere in the marriage has become so toxic due to the constant arguing and fighting that builds up over an extended period of time. The detrimental consequence is that trust is severely broken. Instead of giving your partner the benefit of a doubt, you assume the worst in your partner. Whatever bond or connection that you share with your partner erodes and weakens. To protect and preserve yourself from the deep pain and hurt of being unloved and uncared for, you build up walls of self-sufficiency and independence in order to cope. You might also turn to workaholism, or addiction to numb the painful feelings.

Research has shown that our relationship and how happy we are in the relationship has a powerful influence on our health (The Harvard Gazette: Good genes are nice but joy is better, 2017). Conversely, when the marriage is ailing, it has a detrimental effect on one’s physical, emotional and mental health. Make the right choice to invest in your marriage.

 

Reference:

The Harvard Gazette: Good Genes are nice, but joy is better by Liz Mineo

(April 11, 2017).

The Gottman Institute: Timing is everything when it comes to marriage counselling by Terry Gaspard (July 23, 2015).