Encountering Love through Loss
1 November 2021 | Contributed by Elaine Lek, Pieta Singapore
The pain of loss is never easy. Even moreso when this loss comes unexpectedly. Can one still experience the joy of love through these seasons of loss?
Elaine shares her story:
My Son, Zen
My son Zen has always been a lovable and intelligent kid. He grew up to be a very empathetic young man, touching so many lives with his love, care, and friendship. He also has a goofy sense of humour and would not hesitate to make his friends laugh. He also volunteered in a health camp mission in Nepal, once when he was just ten years old and another at sixteen.
They always say that sons will never share with their mothers as much as daughters would. But Zen was different. Even when he was away in Melbourne, we would message and facetime each other daily. He knows that his Mummy will always have his back and that she is not the judgmental type. I told him that I am your mum, but I am also your friend.
We bonded over sports and fashion. Being a natural athlete, he was adept at picking up any sports, be it hockey, soccer, rollerblading, golf, snow-skiing, diving, or water-skiing. He was also a very stable scuba diver and loved skateboarding in Melbourne, which he said makes him very happy. He also worked out at the gym because Mummy told him exercise creates natural endorphins.
Elaine and Zen bonded over their love of sports. Pictured here are some of Zen's favourite belongings.
(Photo Credits: Elaine Lek)
Discovering God amidst Grief
However, Depression does not discriminate. Zen lived a blessed life and was really loved by everyone. He had everything, yet 3 years ago, we lost him tragically to suicide, just a month before he turned 18. He was studying in Melbourne, and was 2 months away from graduating from his Foundation Studies.
It was a blur for me in the early days of my loss. I was an agnostic all my life, but was brought up in a Buddhist home environment and educated in a Catholic school. I believed in the divine creator but did not follow any faith specifically. I was desperately trying to seek peace, comfort, and answers to life after death. When Zen was fighting for his life in the Royal Melbourne Hospital, I called for a Pastor over there to pray over him. At the same time, a friend taught me how to pray the holy rosary over Zen.
It was not until I met Father Philip Heng a few weeks later that I found peace. He spoke to me at length at the Cathedral despite his busy schedule and I found hope and comfort in knowing a forgiving and compassionate God. He said I do have a strong desire for baptism in me. It led me to sign up for my RCIA journey and I got baptized a year later. I know God has been comforting me by giving me the peace and strength in continuing to be able to love my son in other ways. I truly believe that Zen led me to Jesus. He knows that Mummy needs a faith that gives me hope and one that I can truly understand from the bottom of my heart. I have the hope that one day my Father in heaven will unite us in His eternal kingdom and we will rejoice in His everlasting love. I am also ever so grateful to Father Philip Heng as my beacon of hope and for being able to put my doubts and fears to rest in the light of Christ instead. God is closest to the broken-hearted and I choose to trust in Jesus!
A painting given to Elaine’s family to comfort them, depicting Jesus in the center of their lives.
(Photo Credits: Pieta Singapore)
Encountering Love through Loss
In death, Zen continues to be selfless just like he was when he was alive. We read all his messages on his phone and found out that he was such a caring boy who was ‘counselling’ many of his friends who were also struggling with mental health issues to the point where his own core and mental strength was weakened and exhausted. He wrote “I want to be a psychologist to help kids with the same struggles”. He also said that he was born to be sad and if he could, he would want to take away people’s sadness because he couldn’t be more sad. After he passed on, my husband and I decided to donate his organs while doctors kept his heart beating for as long as it took for the transplants to complete. Today he lives in six other people in Melbourne. He took his own life, but he selflessly gave six back.
In the early days of my loss, I was desperate for help in order not to spiral down into darkness. It was here that another suicide-bereaved father introduced me to Pieta. The community of bereaved parents regardless of the circumstances of their loss and the sharing of our faith gave me a lot of comfort and peace. Through the sharing of hope, my faith strengthened and the more my faith grew, the more I want to pay it forward by sharing my own journey to encourage those who are despondent.
My faith has definitely helped me in coping with my PTSD and anxiety now. Each time I have flashbacks and anxiety attacks, I would focus my thoughts on Jesus to calm me down. Scripture verses such as Psalm 4:8, Romans 8:18 and Matthew 5:4 also give me immense strength in these moments of sorrow. With Jesus, I also choose to honour and continue to love my son by reaching out to others experiencing a similar season of loss through The Zen Dylan Koh Fund and the Please Stay Movement. I know that each day lived meaningfully means I am one day closer to seeing my son again rather than a day further apart. I tell Zen that when Mummy’s journey is completed, our loving God will wipe away all my tears, we will unite once again and Zen will say “Welcome home Mummy! You have fought a good fight! And thank you for continuing to love me!”.
Contributor:
Contributed by Elaine Lek.
Elaine is a member of Pieta Singapore, an affiliate of Catholic Family Life. Pieta is a community of bereaved parents uniting in faith and providing support to seek God's comfort, hope and wisdom on their healing journey. To learn more about them, visit their website here: https://www.pietasingapore.org/.
Visit them at their Facebook page for reflections, articles and sharing here: https://m.facebook.com/PietaSingapore/
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